Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Mirror of ERISED


...The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is....It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts...However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.

And then I saw them. Groups of young men and women walking back to the bus stop from their college. What was that, maybe, 'Dayal Singh College'? Then it struck me. What would my mirror had shown?

I always had a desire to complete my higher studies and even further more than that. Even Hermoine could not have competed with me on that. I feel sad, actually more than sad for not being able to complete my studies. And when I see young people getting admissions to fancied universities and courses, which I could have but couldn't, I feel much more than blue. Its like something I wished for, longed for and it was taken from me, snatched away.

That is why I feel good when Apsy re-joins NIFT because I would've loved to be there, doing that. That is why I almost enjoy Boni buried beneath her books everytime I visit her. I wish, I could have done an honours course from a reputed university. Or when Bugs goes for the CAT & majors or Pino joins the Infy league or Amul clears exam after exam or now, that little kid, Gudiya now going for her CS degree. It is not jealousy I feel towards them, just a sad thought for myself about what I could've done, if....

And these if's rule my whole life.

Perhaps, this is what the 'Mirror of Erised' would've shown me. Standing there in a black graduate gown, looking very proud with that degree in my hand.
What are my deepest of desires?
Is that, that house with a Tulsi plant in the middle courtyard or that good life with friends & family around or that backpacker's dream journey around the world. Perhaps it could be, to lead a normal life. A life where you enjoy your childhood, go to college, live in a decent place with the people you have grown with still around you. A normal life with a normal job, a normal career, a normal girlfriend and the future pre-planned in your hand.
Boring. Yes. Still better than having no life to live.

Somehow, I find all my dreams superficial. Not deep enough to motivate me. And, I'm still searching for the perfect desire. A desire to which I can dedicate my whole life.

Perhaps, someday, He'll have to come down those stairs and take me to where I belong. I'm too tired a soul to climb more. Perhaps my deepest desire is to be where He is.
But, perhaps.

3 comments:

autumn said...

u know wht...........i had never told this anybody........shayad maggi ko bhi aaj hi pata chala........my plans......my wish.......often forgotten in the way towards them.........very deep........only to bugs........
tho after u rote all this iam still a little embarrased to reveal it.....n thus i don't........but........

n i knew the black graduate gown dream,wish,whatever.......may b sensed it somewhere down the lane we've travelled along.......

n then tht unxpressed wish.....
i hope somebody does this for me......somebody hu wud look a bit more normal,conventional in those shoes.........

shadows said...

i guess ill soon be writing the same thing....abt the dream of being a graduate...having normal childhoood....a normal life...a good job, a good husband(sam for now)2 children...wat else a house at the main road...?but then ill be bored with that too ..just like i hate my not so normal life...i sometimes feel that normal life doesnt exist all people have something abnormal....freakness again

adi said...

to apsy,
on second thoughts, i feel, all both of us want is a control over our lives however normal or abnormal they are. and a sneaking suspicion that we'll concede a little abnormality in where bargain.

dreamt before

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