the other kind of emptiness

the clock mentions it is 10:17 pm or as i'm used to writing 22:17 (hangover from an overdose of loads of Hollywood army movies while growing up!). i'm about to call it a day. some work was finished, some not even started, but as there is nothing that urgent, i guess i should leave. what hurts more is that in order to finish office work on tight deadlines, i happen to lose sight of some very important personal work. and now, one more day has gone!

mind is kind of empty right now. not in the literal sense. there is so much inside that all of it together is not making any sense. so while i can pick and choose and lay threadbare whatever is going inside my mind right now, i don't have the patience. this is the other kind of emptiness. when you are so full with something that it starts meaning nothing. like too much of beauty or money! 

when you have too much of something, you start to drift away from it. fullness breeds emptiness it seems. what do you think?

22:25, Thursday, August the fourth, 2011

एक और कविता

रस्सी से बंधी हुयी

बोझ में दबी हुयी

बुझी आँखों से देखती

दुकानें सजी हुयी

झुलसती गर्मी में

पानी को तरसती

जनवरी के जाड़े में

नंगे बदन ठिठुरती

दिन भर भागती

सड़कों की ख़ाक छानती

सपनों की तलाश में

रात भर जागती

एक और कविता भी है

जो हमें दिखाई नहीं देती

या दिखाई दे, तो भी

मूंह फेर लेते हैं हम

जिंदा रहने की दौड़ में

थोडा जीत जाते हैं हम

blue, red & new year wishes

Its been some time...

I was blue, i wrote about the reds and now i'm watching the whole spectrum play around. Have been watching some great illustrative blogs and was truly amazed at the detail and skills and efforts people have and put in their work.

These days are being spent doing practically nothing at office and at home. Not much work happenning here.

So, I was blue. Because, I suddenly realised some people have left me, perhaps for ever. I hope not. There is Dudo - supposedly my soul mate. There was Sunshine - my bestest lady friend outside the inner circle. And some other friends like Joyi who havent bothered to talk since ages. And some friendships were like one-way roads. Like Boni's. It was all triggered by one Sweetheart who rules my life these days. But now i'm over that. Still, it sends some shivers down the very existence of my soul. How will I manage to lead a life without these people. They were my life. And that's why, I was so blue. Never felt this strange before.

Sachin called in this Saturday. Instantly lifted up my spirits. Because he is Sachin. If there was someone who was an example of friendship, he is. We promised to meet each other at his place. That's on Christmas Sunday.

So, what my Christmas Sunday was like?

I'd an appointment with the Doctor. Was in a slightly better mood as I'd talked to Sachin and the Sweetheart. Took lots of notes while travelling. These will outpout later in the following days. Man, I like travelling on a Delhi Sunday. There is some laziness wafting through the air. Even the always aggresive DTC drivers took people on board without hurry. I'm thinking of some Sunday trips to familiarise myself with Delhi. It feels really strange sometimes, I don't know anything about the city I was born and brought up in.

Meeting the doc was good. Just some little problems with the liver. Nothing serious. After that. God. No Sachin. He had to hurry for some unexpected realtives. Tried Walia. He couldn't come outside his house. Tried Senior. She didn't pick the phone. Tried Amul & Gudiya. They were not going to come home till late evening. Seemed everything going against me.
Tired, I trudged back home. Okay, not trudged but flied.

Monday, was good. And the after days are also going good. Tomorrow, will be leaving for the Mountains for the new year bash. Me and the office gang. Hope to have a good time there.

And oh,
Happy Holidays and
hAppy neW yEar to y'all.

This is 19:30 hrs. on the 28th of December and me, Adi is signing off.

just a thought...

Twelve gleefully unemployed gentlemen,
held out a mega rally.
On a lazy Sunday pre-noon,
they strengthened the cause of the toiler masses.

Under the fading red banner of,
Jila Parishad Communist Cell.
They made the government re-think its policies,
& felt very pleased about it all...

the blue continues...

I'm ill.

I'm seriously ill. Its been three days. I've not done anything. Nothin at all. Just come to office and keep staring blankly at things. Walls, newspapers, computer screen, glass of water, phone, pen, stapler.. anything, everything, and nothing.

As of now, I won't be able to work at De' Hub.

I'm preparing well to go broke...

Its getting really cold these days.

Adi
06:55pm 23 Dec. 05

What I Am & What I Am Going To Be

This is pretty interesting. My indifference to me.

All my life I've been indifferent, impervious to what happens around me. In a broader sense, only the subtle things affected me, the undertones, the shadows. Like if there was a severe fight between ma n pa, what matterred more was, whether I would get an 'excellent' or a 'very good' for the drawing assignment. Everything else was immaterial. People call it selfishness. I call it impishness. The brazen immateriality of an imp to things around him.

Now, I'm amazed. I've managed to surprise myself. Me being indifferent to me. To think of, whatever I wrote yesterday was quite sahbby and unconvincing. Yet, it not affects me. I can always edit the post, refine it, re-write it, people won't come to know how bad I write and I'm conciously choosing not to do so.

Who I'm & what I'm going to be

These days I'm reading Bashir Badr's gazhals; re-reading Ayn Rand's 'We The Living' - my favourite read till date; started 'The God of Small Things' by Ms. Rai - pretty late I know. Another thing on my reading list is a book titled 'Sucess V/s Joy' by Geet Sethi/Suneel Agarwal. Wonderful it is. And the daily dose of newspapers, web feed, blogs, e-mails etc. I've got my hands full. All this reading & nothing much to write of? I feel, at present I'm more of a reader who sometimes writes. in about 80:20 ratio. I want to be a writer who reads a lot. That is a conscious decision & this blog is part of it.

Right beside me the clock shows 12:25am. I'll push off now. I miss you Lucky.
15th december, 2005 12:25am

of taps that run & wishes fulfilled

I've shifted. I'm not staying with Rahul anymore.

It is an airy, spacious, one room + kitchen + verandah + other facilities - 'a complete floor for us' set-up. At 2.5k + water/electric, it is a little over budget, but then I wouldn't mind complete calm & privacy as little added benefits. No nagging, almost hysterical next room occupants; no shared bathrooms; no locked gates after a prescribed time - ah, I feel like a king.

And the best thing is that taps here actually have water. At the mere slight of a rotation, the taps come alive with fresh, gurgling, pressurized water. What a relief. The first day I was very excited upon my discovery. 'Hey, they are not showpieces, they actually have a utility.' Most of the people don't realize how fortunate they are to get taps that actually work. I was like that also. But almost two years of tap-less existence has made me wiser. (There were no running water in Indore also.)

Running taps are like promises fulfilled. You see a tap, you feel sure that it is usable. If not, like in municipal toilets & drinking fountains, that promise, that trust is broken. That's why running taps are like promises fulfilled. A very comforting thought indeed.

I'm staying with Mr. & Mrs. God here.

Perhaps I've begun to enjoy my life also. The first tentative steps. Like a mystery being solved very slowly, some veil is lifting from my life. Some of the real basics are getting clearer, some are in the process of. Slowly, step by step, piece by piece, somebody up there is putting together a grand life for me. Tonight, on the 13th of December 2005, I feel like God has started fulfilling my wishes - his promises. Like taps that work.