Friday, February 05, 2010

on writing and not writing

lately i've been complaining to myself why i don't get to actually writing down what comes to my mind. and as my volume is quite high, many of those around me get to hear these complaints quite clearly. then early morning today, i got some time alone to gather my thoughts and wrote in my diary. now i want to share it with you.

"am sitting in my room, alone in the house. it is quite. i've opened this journal after a long time. (well, now it's more of a scrap book and less of a journal.) i don't know why i don't write when it pains me so much not to write. thoughts, words, images start forming within my mind the moment i get up. sometimes even before that. perhaps it's plain laziness, a disease that has afflicted me all my life. and when you live with something for so long, you start loving it. now i hush me up by putting laziness on a pedestal and sacrificing many idle moments on her altar. moments, minutes, times that could have been better utilized. but i guess, to be guilty is to be human. maybe the only difference between man and animal is the total absence of guilt in the latter's concious.

perhaps i don't write because of this guilt. maybe its not laziness, but this fear of unraveling myself in front of me. unraveling not in the sense of removing clothes and being ashamed of the sorry state of this physical body, unraveling in the sense of peeling layer after layer of the pretences i've build upon my mental existence.

to write this journal is to know myself, to feel guilty of things i should be doing and am not doing, to feel ashamed at my robot like existence where am human only in the biped, city-living, internet-using, animal-of-a-herd sense. to write is to be the exact opposite of this animal, and still i shy away from it.

maybe, i don't write 'cos i'm lazy, maybe i don't want to come across the human within me."

tell me, dear reader freind, do you also feel the same?

7 comments:

Nadhiya said...

Bang on!

Even i keep wondering y i don't write at times..

But u know wat i am lazy to even wonder about that :P

But then u write beautiful poems :)

Hugs
Nadhi

How do we know said...

the reader thinks that ur not writing is a loss to the reader and prejudices the reader's fundamental right to enjoy this awesome writing.
So Adee dev, pls put pen to paper more often.. and u will find it becoming simpler.

u know, when my cousin moved from state board to CBSE, she suddenly started getting much better marks. Hum bhi life mein kabhi kabhi aisa hi karte hain.. if u change the criteria on ur appraisal document, the resulting ratings will be very different. I get the sense that suddenly, u have changed ur appraisal sheet and added criteria that do not really matter to you personally.. m i making sense?

~ said...

acceptance is the first step towards recovery. i sometimes laugh at this proposition.

anyway, i guess, whatever we experience, be it euphoria or laziness, is all a part of our inner revealing process. and hence when you write about this, it is, in fact, a piece of the puzzle you have found. so don't stop. the thing is we, as humans, judge ourselves far more than others judge us. and that's not very healthy to be honest.
so just keep going. :)
sometimes that's the only way.

keep writing. no matter what. if you think, whatever you write is shit, it is shit then. but without shit, no gold will ever come up. so keep the shit too. :) i am not kidding.

:)

Gillian said...

Myself, I'm afraid of truth at times. So, I ignore the need to write, pushing it to the back of my mind so as not to confront my own little demons. xoxo

Sudeep Bhaumick said...

yes, the thoughts kind of echoed off and made an appearance on your blog...

laziness, fear of finding yourself, fear of finding yourself cast away from the collective...

as if this moronic, robotic, pittance of a life really counts for something...

hmmm need to write... definitely need to write...

priya said...

Really well written and thought provoking.

I guess we need to really do what we love and love what we do. For that, yes it is important to be in touch with oneself... that is not always an easy task.

Swapna Raghu Sanand said...

You are right that when you want to write a post on your blog, it delays you because it is a self-discovery process. You begin to feel guilty and alarmed about discovering different facets to your life and personality. I go through this everytime I write a post on Petals!

I understand. Gotto say that your writing is so from-the-heart that it is powerful yet as warm as toast.

dreamt before

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