Thursday, August 24, 2006

BUGS @ 3am

it was a long night.

left office at 2:30am, a presentation was to be completed for a new pitch we attempted today. the whole creatives, strategy and a bit of media too. in the end it turned out to be not that great. efforts down the drain. still, we've a second chance.

so, at 3am on the 24th of august 2006, bugs visited me again. did she leave me at all?

she's a moon to this planet adi. a silent spectator of whatever goes on in this life for the past half decade n more. well, errr not that silent maybe...

bugs aka autumn aka bhavna sharma.
how much more a part of my life than i usually agree to. and this is her introduction to my world. and when i remember her, i dont have the words to say what i want to. actually, i don't even know what to.

"how will you introduce bugs, alok?" how will i? how can i?



"palkon mein har khwab chupate huye
har sitam ko hansi mein udate huye
har arman ko us par lutate huye
uska nahi,
khud apna dil dukhate huye
aaj phir,
dil se bahane tak ka safar tae kiya
kuch dus sadiyan aur char kadam"


the sparrow

for me, bugs was always like this little summer sparrow visiting our house. because they tend to create lot of kachra (mess) around, we would try to stop her. try to stop her from building a nest above the ceiling fan's socket or in some corner window or some ventilator of the kitchen.

but, she being adamant, would build her nest eventually and we were left with no choice but to let her be. an utterly unwelcome but slowly turning to be an adorable member of the family. this brought a new fear also. the socket of a ceiling fan is not very safe for a flying feather ball. we would all take turns in watching her movements, the fan will have to stopped to her needs & callings. slowly, a new family would emerge from the twigs and threads, with hungry chirping of new-born members filling our days. and sometimes our nights too.

and one calm day, all this would cease. the noise, the mess, the flurry of activities... all would come to an end. leaving only the empty nest behind... and some empty ears 'n eyes.

but the story doesn't end here. bugs the summer sparrow has not left my home. she was not an unwelcome visitor, but not that important too. also, i'd some other memories to build that time. i was too preoccupied with my own dreams to see the ones she weaved around us. and i've still not looked into the heart of the dream.

"HOME...n the day u enter it, right on the doorstep, before u do, close ur eyes n remember me. send the message, let it waft thru the air n knock at my heart, inform Bugs tht her dream has been realised....

band ankhon mein,
andar jane se pehle
meri tasveer ko bhi talash lena
yaad rahe tujhe bhi
ki tera har khwab
meri palkon ke chilman tale basta hai
"

this is the little sparrow who has come uninvited to my house. and has stayed on despite being treated with all the unwantedness possible. this is the girl who loves me like love.



but, this is the girl whom i can't love in return. i can't love anybody now. all that i say, write or dream are lies. love is nothing but a poet's tool for me. an excuse to continue doing what i'm doing, to live...

"pyaar ek bahane se badh kar kuch nahin
zinda to uske bagair bhi hain hum
tham gaya hai waqt, be-manjil hua safar
bus dus sadiyan aur char kadam"


hope, i'll find my destination someday.

18 comments:

shadows said...

ab to bahano ko bhi jeena chhod diya hai humne,
ab ek be-sabab si zindagi ji rahe hain,
ab apne hi haraj pe royen to bhi kya?
Kafan-bardaar hai ......
bas apni laash ka intezaar hai.



pata nahi kyun likha ....but i wrote it....well and for a change im logging in

p.s.......it was a good introduction.....if i need to learn how to kepp people in an enigma about another person...i will come to you....

she said...

somebody hu kills me with each of his words............somebody hu is responsible for my wet cheeks this moment..........somebody hu turned a brave bugs into a scared mouse..........hu gave her the worst moments of her life.......yes i blame adi for my panic attacks..........a fear tht will live with me all my life.........somebody hu'll nt let me forgive myself ever........somebody hu's responsible for my growing inferiority complex each time i catch a stolen glimpse of dudo.......she's more beautiful,has the trendiest cell,a steady boyfrend......and wht more...is happy.........

people ditch u n live happily forever..........

adi, a guy........the guy.......yes i chose the wrong man to love.......hu dosent know wht relationships are...hu dosen't respect time,dosen't identify the need of the hour and is day by day moving closer towards a disastrous life.........and i do nt have the guts to guide him in life n one fine day hear him saying......'hu the hell are u to interfere with my life...............

if i need to stand for u ,i face the unwanted troubles........if i don't i can't face myslf.........wht is this life for ,if i cant help the people i love.......u may b an outsider for my parents,hu enterd their daughter's life to ruin it........but can i really stand up to tell them tht he already has.....and now a little more ,a little less hardly
matters ......impacts are now subliminal....

but i do nt have arguments enough; for the guy i love is already in a self confessed self destruction mode........

but with people i love.....iam damn strict......die if u want to.....i don't care.......but make sure tht nobody after ur death bitches abt u .........return everything tht u owe to them.......

it isn't easy to lead a respectful life......it comes at a price........pay the price...

n for u ........

kuch shabdon mein,kuch khaton mein
mere wajood ko apne rang deta hua
mera pyar fir laut kar ayega
ke, sayon se door ,chah kar bhi
ek bhatka rahi kahan jayega

autumn said...

so much more to say n so less space....but we still think of the same things at the same time in different corners of this world.....acc. to me too,it was the best opprtunity to introduce me

appears like an incomplete inro though.........

adi said...

shadows: yeah, do let me introduce you to the world.

she: atleast u blame me for something. people around put me on a pedestal and then shred me to...whatever.

and m lost in my so called greatness. why can't i fall for a moment, why do everyone has to expect, 'the very best' of human nature from me. why the heck i've to be the sweet, caring, good-natured son, brother or friend everyday of my life.

steady boyfrnd? and the girl who said she loved me more than anything in life, killed that all just bcs one of her frnds visited my office? and yes, again, it'll be displayed as my ego's fault. "ppl ditch u n live happy forever"

and u say return evrthng to those very ppl.

self destruction was never so wonderful ma'm. i dont need anybody's respect. wen i've lost mine. tanha rahi apni hi raah chalega, sayon ko chalna hai to sath chalein.

totaramkiaaatma said...

Adi boy!!!!!

What is happening here?

V N said...

~hope, i'll find my destination someday.~

U bet! Dont ya think twice abt it!
:)

meet_me said...

jo hona tha ho gaya hai
kyun aane waale raaston mein andhera karte hain,
guzara waqt toh laut kar na ayega,
kyun uske aana ka sada hi intezaar karte hain,
tumse pyaar hai bahuton ko,
jo chhod gaye unke sajde kyun karte hain,
zindagi mein jeena padhta hai
is zindagi ko dukh se zaya kyun karte hain,
doston par aitbaar kar ke dekho
apne ko itna tanha mehsoos kyun karte hain?

starry nights said...

Adi..you will find your destination. you write so well.I am just amazed at these words. I am trying to understand you.keep writing.

dwaipayan said...

kya kaheen?? adi, i find a part of my mind in your writing... but believe me dear, ek waqt aayega jab sayad tum uski importance samjhoge.

i'm so bad at expressing...

btw, is that your pic??if so, then I have to say, it resemble my thoughts

shadows said...

we have gone mad all of us...or am i just hallucinating about what im erading.....ummm maybe just a dream......need to wake up.....some one telling adi off....hello !!!???harry cant be wrong....

ok not defending him.....thr is one thing ive learnt from harry and dee.....dont blame others for what they have done to u .....if they have, then u allowed them to .dear "she said" if he has given u the worst moments of ur life then u cant love him.....if u have then he couldnt have given u those worst moments.....yes if he hurt u then thats a different thing...but well dont u think a honest hurt is better than a lie lived...forgive urself.....if he doesnt allow u to...thern damn him......i do that too.....damn him at times when he manages to make me feel guilty.....

hey she said.....:) smile.....please......i cant stand sad people......thr is enough filled in me to be first compensated for......


adi, live the ego ur living.....destroy urself then ........dont crib abt it....and dont make me feel as if im the cause of all this.....though in a way i am......
harry i want to see u grow....but im sorry i dont have time....believe me i really dont...last 2 weeks ive slept totally for 10 hours at most,...i wish i get a the slightest time to be with u and get ur work done....
take care.....

for apsy n pino,bugs said...

i dont blame adi..........just myself for choosing the rong person..........and i may sound rude apsy..........but "blind are the people hu can't see his vices tht are destroying his life'.....he loving me back was never the qs.......he just asked me if he cud sustain the trust people off n on pose in him.........n i say a blunt NO........n u r rong pushkin.......he knows nothing of relationships.......nothing........

she said...

u sound like KJ's kank.weak in substance ,high on drama..this was a mindless retaliation .exactly how someone blusters when offended.i'm sorry if i offended u ,but......

i) the thing tht has been concerning u the most nt my growing inferiority complex but her steady bf; having a bf does in no way mean tht she loves u any less.........he is just another person in her life

2)if she said tht ur the person she loves the most she is lying either to u or to me....no clue hu is the lucky one.


30 hu forces u to b the best son bro or frend.....we often do good to others to satisfy our own humane n altruist streaks.but u can booze all ur life n b a raffish sot.........leave ur parents in a lurch n b the drunkard wanderer all ur life


4)u mean all the problems began only b'coz i visited ur office before she cud...
xcuse me u guys deceived me all these yrs.does tht count anywhere?..she alwez feigned being oblivious of ur feelings towards her n all of a sudden her love grew so much tht she was jealous of me...for me its all over head transmission..


5) and u r factually wrong...in asking shades to move along.shades dont move people do........

saye sadiyon wahin rehte hain
ana jana to musafiron ka shauk hai



u r one of those poets hu go to any lengths to maintain romance in their ritings. whether it hurts ,kills or traumatises u dont care...may b i was destined to reach this pt in my life.r lives crossed so tht i cud learn from urs and evolve.wht did u gain i dont know.....
but watching u kill both of us and our futures is my fate n sharing the consequences of ur naivity n brazen impishness perhaps my destiny........
u've alwez taken me for granted. u alwez will.but hu knows may b i am granted...

aaj itne karib hai ki teri barbadiyon mein bhi shamil hai hum
kya is kadar bhi kisiko haasil hain hum
meri maut ka bhi gham nahi
jaise naaz ho tujhe ki main saath hun......
sun kar dekh khud ko kabhi
teri dhadkan hun awwaz hun
jal raha hai tu, to main kahan abaad hun
tu bhi barbad hai,main bhi barbad hun.........

now thts wht u call a doggerel

love she

peenut said...

I am speechless..

adi said...

dear she said:
1.) then continue blaming urself, just dont make a tamasha out of ur plight.
2.)"i may sound rude" hello???
3.)and ******** r d ppl who make fun of his those very vices!!!
4.)"he loving me back was never the q" to phir tension kis baat ki hai? dadi ma, apne ghar baitho aaram se.
5.)ha! u n ur blunt NO's
6.)do u know anything about relationships? he balike, aankhen kholo, jaago.

adi said...

Dear She said:

1.) atlst m like smthng, dramebaaji kise kehte hain yeh to abhi apse seekhna baki hai...

2.) u r sorry, if u offended me...majak mat kar yaar

3.) why actually UR inferiority complex shud bother me. kripya explain karein...

4.) atleast u were not in the top 5 ppl of her loved list anyday. so stop bothering about it.

5.) u just being nice to ur folks, keep ur limits there. btw, who m i to say this.

6.) n wat the hell u mean, i deceived u all these years. r u some sort of authority that everyone who falls in love shud register with?
dont try to catch on other ppl's frequencies, love n a steady relationship will always go overheard ur little fragile heart.

7.) n for a change u, the great hair splittin bugs is factually wrong. shades dont have an identity widout ppl. check ur school books dear.

or try this simple trick.

difficulty level: not much.

things u need: a light source, ur own hand n a ltl bit of mind.

procedure: put ur hand in front of a light source and move it. slowly. take care not to hurt it. see if any shadow is there. and try to gauge its movement. as u'll discover, the shadow'll follow d movement of ur hand. now knock ur head a little bit and see again, nothing changes. the shadow will FOLLOW d movement of d hand. got it? tws not dat heavy...

8.)i dont HAVE to 'go to any lengths to maintain romance in my writings'. n i won't. pakka promise :)
m not killing u, and for the last time m telling u, our futures r not interconnected. from now onwards to b sure. forget it.
nobody is granted to anybody.

u write gud poetry ma'm. and i shudnt b bothered with it. even if it kills, hurts or troubles me. its ur thing n u r free to write anythng u want. wahy dont have a blog of ur own, the 'i hate sadu' blog.

now thts wht u dooooont call a doggerel.

love ya.
really do.

adi said...

EVERYONE,

m very SORRY to all of u, who might b reading this blog n its comments for the past some days.

it was a very private thng that has now become a matter of joke around.

adi said...

Pino,
u dont have to be speechless. c'mon join the HOT topic of the month. say something. man!

dwaipayan said...

the private conversations when become public, all that give us a scope to know the bloggers better

dreamt before

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